take me no where

dulcemayo @ 2005-07-25T12:34:00

2005-07-25T16:53:49Z

I'm drinking iced tea, the good stuff that Jessica's mom brought up. This tea, Crystal Light, has opened up a new life of pitchers forever in fridges, adding another beverage option, competing with the only beverage I've ever really drank, water. That's how good it is.

This summer has brought many additions, whether they're temporary (I wonder if the Ice Tea will loose it's appeal with winter), or Am I actually changing the way I think, and therefore interact and feel? Can I actually just decide what to think about? Only think about things that bring the right feelings? That seems misguided, running away from whatever I should be feeling. I should just really dive into that, no matter what it is.

Sometimes emotions are so flimsy, I can change them by changing thought subject matter, and then even if it's not completly successfull, I end up laughing at myself for being so crazy, and I realize that I'm this crazy human.
Other times, I get trapped somewhere dark and sticky and CONFUSING and I can't get out, and then my whole philosophy crashes.

Today is my last day of work. I keep thinking about the last moment, throwing off that shirt and walking away from South Station for the last time; out into the Night with all those tall, tall Boston Banks. That first look and breath after closing of all those buildings that make me crain my neck to see the sky make me instantly forget about the troubles, if there were any, of work, and I sing, even when passing people, all the way to the green line.

Yesterday I sang for Jessica, and I realized that I think that I'm hitting the wrong notes when I should just be more comfident, and putting some feeling into it. I few times this summer I've decided that I do have a good voice after all, after a particularly nice rendition of Leonard Cohen or Devendra Banhart. Then, the next time I try to sing, I can't anymore. This time is different though, I think now my life will really be better.

dulcemayo @ 2005-06-08T21:47:00

2005-06-09T02:09:03Z

I have been in Boston for a week. Now, I am listening to The Dirty Three and just had a glass of white wine and I'm not sure what to do with myself, as I resolved not to watch a movie again tonight. It's humid and my tank top is wet from the sudden downpour on the way to the train yard with Sarah. I'm a tired now and a movie would be perfect except for the guilt. I guess it would be perfect because it would give me something to feel, and right now I'm so tired I'm numb, and that can be depressing.
The black fan on the desk shelf shakes its head at me consistently, and i roll around in my wheel chair on the wooden floor consistently, and itch my leg sporadically, and listen for the sporadic thunder.
Today I was sitting by the river and reading and all these little green inch worms kept falling down on me. Once I turned the page and there was one waiting for me. I would lay my finger down for them, and they would crawl around on my skin for a while, occasionally lifting their head up as they were confused and were trying to find a recognizable landmark. And once I put two of them down on the same stick but they just crawled around each other, barely touching. Earlier while I was sitting, back against a tree, two wet dogs came trotting up and one shook right next to me, covering me in minuscule droplets.

It just started raining harder and I looked out the window and there were flashes of bright bluepurple sky and waiting for the rumble and I need to go examine this closer/turn the numbness into calmness.

dulcemayo @ 2005-05-29T00:06:00

2005-05-30T03:05:32Z

I can feel how long I was touched my the sunlight today under my NOSE. Ahh it was so sweet after those days and days of rain and wind and WIND and rain and clouds.

These days have been a little too much of a rollercoaster for my current taste, but whatever, there've been some good moments. For example, last night when I was lying in bed, after smoking and almost coughing, after some negative analyzing of what I said earlier during a gathering in my hot room of Katie and Mike, which included Clue and Red Wine and High School Yearbooks, I got a glimpse of how beautiful the moment really was.
I was lying on my bed in the dark, listening to The Destroyer, and I looked out the window and looked at how the light from the street lamp fell onto and coated my arms and blanket and pillows. I thought about how nice it will be when I have someone to share moments like that with, because I do know I will eventually find someone. And I thought about how impossible that would have been to catch with a camera, despite my longing to be able to remember it.

So my advice is: it really is better to live in the present. (I read in my Buddhism book a lot today in my lawn chair surrounded by fences and bird noises, and there was a line something like: there's a big difference between walking through the woods and really being there mentally, and walking through the woods and thinking about what you did last night, or imagining how you can tell your friends what a great walk through the woods you had. With the former, you are able to see into the true nature of things, and it is only in this being in the timeless moment where we can come to that intuitive, silent knowing of the truth.)

dulcemayo @ 2005-05-08T16:33:00

2005-05-08T21:00:58Z

I am on the highest floor of the library, but the tree outside is still taller and it's RIGHT NEXT to the window and the newborn green leaved branches sway silently but furiously and what am I doing inside? oh that's right, I have do really well on my finals, but anyway THE TREES The Trees the trees go on and on over the rolling Worcester hills, all different shades and ages making a blanket, hiding the ugly pavement/cars/grey buildings. By the way, the sky is grey and that makes the greens and yellows pop out more.

Now that I have done the easiest thing I have to do for finals, I will try to make beautiful music and throw myself into what I am feeling the deepest.

dulcemayo @ 2005-03-28T02:18:00

2005-03-28T07:29:39Z

I shaved my legs for the first time in months and months and tonight it was warm enough to wear a light jacket at night, that cordoroy one i once wrote about in the youth of this journal. fresh air! fresh relationships to analyze! which i think i'll switch to my secret journal to indulge in.

So swiftly the sun sets in the sky,
You rise up and say goodbye to no one.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread,
Both of their futures, so full of dread, you don't show one.
Shedding off one more layer of skin,
Keeping one step ahead of the persecutor within.

jokerman: Dylan

ha, everyone who reads this sees my profile anyway, but its worth it.

dulcemayo @ 2005-03-10T17:01:00

2005-03-10T22:17:20Z

i need to learn and write about mexico soon, but before that i shall try to write about the sky- i swear i can tell it's staying lighter longer- but mike is howling and i just gave him food. so i desperatly call to him "miiike stop meowing!" (but its more like a baby crying) but anyway the sky is blue with some clouds and theres a spot of grey to the left, backing the evergreen and bare-boned-annonymous branches.
there are some tracks in our yard, going from the corner to our deck, then popping out on the otherside, going into a trash can, so what-ever-it-is must be in there! i hope.

free association, II

2005-02-28T03:45:43Z

i think i want to do this to get out some sort of inner message thats trapped inside, but i dont think it will work, well i'll see la de lda alda laaaaaaa, i want to acoustic java earlier tonight with katie and jeremy. i finished my homework for the night this afternoon, very rare for me. well this isnt working at getting beneath the surface. okay. what else. i have been annoyed at my lack of guy options recently, but i shouldnt complain about that because then i'll turn into one of those girls who's never anything but deppressed about not having a boyfriend. but its strange because i've been getting so comfotrable being alone that its a bad thing i'm pretty sure. in other news, i hung out with a bunch of elementary school age girls yesterday, and i had this really strange discomforting feeling, like i have blocked out how tramatic my childhood was, because why else would i feel so strange? its not natural, how i live. i hardly ever am with people a lot younger or older than me. well this is very unrewarding/ i keep not being satisfied with how i use time, whenever i have free time i waste it so readily you'd think i had all the time in the world and the heavens to do things that were actually important to me. such as this. but really, i will die. and i bet before i do, live will seem short and wasted. fuck. well this is getting worse and worse. how quickly my day will go from happy to sad. in one comment from a friend i will dout everything. i think i'm one of those people who contemplate everything so much that it prevents them from living, but i keep thinking that if i contemplate it a little bit more then i'll be able to live in a better way. because it sort of has been working so far, i like who i am more now than i did three months ago, and not just because i've lived more. its like i just realized i have the power to change my life. i was supposed to write all the problems about myself that are fixable for an autobiography for a class. i think i will copy that because it might be of use to someone else. or it will just show how obsessive i am but hopefully both.

My main fixable problems mostly revolve around wanting to feel more free. They are: I don’t act on my emotions enough; I worry too much that people do not like me; I do not live in the moment enough; I am not as honest as I want to be; I get so caught up in my thoughts that I do not recognize my environment and other people (which prevents me from seeing beauty in them); I am too lazy and not dedicated enough to what I think is really important; I am not nearly brave enough; I too often do things because they’re easier than doing what I really think I should be doing; I do not show my appreciation for whom I love enough; I am too petty; I want to find more humor in things; I negatively judge myself and others too much (I should be more compassionate and realize that everyone is fighting their own inner battle); I am too concerned with physical appearances; I live in routines too much; I want to be physically healthier; and I do not sing and dance enough!

dulcemayo @ 2005-02-09T15:59:00

2005-02-09T21:13:25Z

i was just reading on the 5th floor of the library, and the view when i looked to the left was the greyest landscape i've ever seen and then reading the first Rilke letter (in the book from my mom) about how a writer must look deep within himself and ask whether writing is necessary, whether he MUST write: and my first thought (but for the creating of sounds) was a resounding NO. so what the hell DO i need? i dont even know and its just making me incredibly sad. its like i dont know what to do to make myself happy anymore, its not something i can control. but this sadness is so reachable.

so much of my thoughts have been wishes for change.

there's something else too, for nothing is ever this simple, of course. something that i keep feeling from the air today, that i cant name or even slightly comprehend. i think i'll go outside to look for it now.

dulcemayo @ 2005-01-21T10:16:00

2005-01-21T15:33:15Z

i've been playing scales and jazz for hours on end, maybe i'm finally at a point where i can enjoy becoming completely exhausted of it, like in the jeff buckley interview when he says that after playing for hours and runs out of steam is when amazing things happen because he's completely unselfconscious and not thinking about the mechanics of playing anymore.
or maybe its just that feeling of when i'm in a practice room (there are a couple, one that's all white with black chairs and a black stand and a still but looming, large spider; one with green carpeting and lockers) with nothing but musicmusicENDLESSmusic! and its not out of boredom or because it's easier that makes me stop. or i try not to let it stop me. and now in the new early hours after i resisting temptation to stay in bed, it's the first thing i think of when i think about what i want to do with the untouched day.

dulcemayo @ 2004-12-09T23:44:00

2004-12-10T04:43:54Z

well i decided that instead of aimlessly surfing the net i will now "update"
so here i am
wordless

i went to a party tonight, and kept seeing 'signs' of, for example, everything/ i just realized i didnt really have anything to say. i need to get out of my room as;lkdhf;shfs;l

dulcemayo @ 2004-11-29T15:53:00

2004-11-29T21:04:46Z

Just finished Survivor, another palahniuk. So I have this strange feeling that I don't have any free will. It's a strange calmness. That there is only one future.

I've been listening to this Elbow song "Any Day Now," a lot. It's a strange calmness in his voice. And the repetitions.

I'm too tired to want to leave my room but I'm so sick of being in here. I'm trapped by my body's unwillingness to leave. any day now. I've been doing that thing that I do a lot: tapping my fingers on surfaces, from pinky to thumb, thumb to pinky pinkytothumb over and over and over again very quickly. It's interesting, how much a part of me it's become without my intending it to. Last year I went through a phase where that bothered me, but I've accepted it now because it's too frusterating trying to control it. (and maybe that's what all flaws are: ultimatly uncontrollable)

For a while now I've been imagining what happens to me as a test. To see what would happen if someone brought out this side of me, or that one, how will I react. And so now that I don't have any free will, I might as well sit back and watch my life.

In a couple hours I'm sure I'll maybe realize how much I'm pretending right now, in a desire to have everything figured out? and have everything fit together?

FREE ASSOCIATION ENTRY

2004-11-15T03:33:16Z

whoa i dont think that paid account option was there before fuck it just went away and this is supposed to be my free association entry but i would normally delete that because now it doesnt make any sense my roommate's playing wilco again but i'm sort of getting sick of it but it could be a lot worse so i at least it's a band i used to like. i wrote my aunt and uncle earlier, it was a really long letter, the thought passed through my head that i shouldnt make it so long because then they'll feel obligated to write back a really long letter but obviously i did not. arrr i need to think faster for this. last night we watched frida again and this time i LOVED it while the other times it was pretty and interesting but this time oh man i want to be her. i've never really experienced a lot of physical pain. last summer the night i came home i was doubled over in back pain and it hurt when i peed and i was nauseous and i had unidentifiable itchy bumps on me and i HATED it, but damn, it could have been one of the most painful times in my life. and i think about that when i pee sometimes, that right after the uti i was so GRATEFUL every time i peed because it didnt hurt. and now of course i dont, its pretty hard to be grateful for everything but i dont really know why. not in the mood? i'm cheating a little now. ok i'll try to stop it. my arms are actually getting a little tired. you should try this too it is interesting. the only other time i did it was in the unitarian youth group meeting, but i think i cheated then too.

well i couldnt think of anything else to write so that was a pretty big gap, maybe i should stop now. actually i was thinking of something else but thought i shouldnt write it and i guess thats when the lj entries break down- when you cant be honest because it become somewhat clear then that real journal entries are for honesty and lj entries are for ego boosts/petty entertainment.

dulcemayo @ 2004-11-11T14:48:00

2004-11-11T19:52:00Z

I've been singing loudly when the oppurtunity arises: elevators are now my studio. Now i'm going outside because I don't mind the cold wind when the air isn't cold I get caught up with the movement of the leaves and the movement of my mp3sounds.

dulcemayo @ 2004-10-07T01:20:00

2004-10-07T05:24:56Z

i was just reading old entries, i'm pretty disgusted with how dumb i sound.
i debated just deleting this whole thing. and when i try to go deeper than that, why..., i get too scattered and crazed/confused hMUST STOP WRITING/EDITING

jksadhfjkasdjklasdhfjklBIKELIVELISTENLOOK!

thanks for posting that brad, squatty.

dulcemayo @ 2004-09-29T12:02:00

2004-09-29T19:45:40Z

It's cold today and I can't wait to feel it. changechangechange! I need to bike and wear flannel.
There's been lots of adventures here with sarah- screaming from stage to an empty auditorium, wearing a dinosaur for the climbing of the phallic monument, chatting with crazyfolk, learning, and biking of course, at night oncebutnotlast.
On the other hand, I've not been able to appreciate adventureless nights anymore.

dulcemayo @ 2004-09-19T11:21:00

2004-09-19T15:26:14Z

my sinuses just cleared.
last night i ran around a lot, for boomerangs and such. today i need to look up epistemology, nietzsche, and ways of perceiving the world. now i will go to brunch and stop writing because this isnt my truth. meow.

dulcemayo @ 2004-09-05T02:51:00

2004-09-05T07:06:42Z

This is the way I started writing this evening:
It's pretty windy in my room right now, cold wind tunneling though my various windows. Castaways & Cutouts is playing now- memories of driving around Kent, making me not like it here more. But I'll feel better tomorrow. It's just this pressure to find something to do on the weekends.

And then I got a call and: I went to a party at which I knew no one at first, but then it turned into exactly what I needed. And now it's the decemberists again but without the air of self pity.

dulcemayo @ 2004-07-30T15:03:00

2004-07-30T19:25:46Z

these last couple days have been a little out of the ordinary, but not enough so that i'm content. because i still do the same things that i have been, every day. but i've been thinking a lot, at least. and maybe thats the point, more so than what i do. but i dont think so.

i've been feeling anxious lately and i'm not sure why. it usually goes away when i change the song, but its been happening more and more, so i've been going through a lot of music. i'm fed up with trying to find The Truth. i'll try focusing more on finding beauty.

dulcemayo @ 2004-05-18T01:18:00

2004-05-18T05:36:54Z

ah! everything's fitting together! well not everything, but classes and i just watched malcolm x (see it!) and i just started rereading ishmael and all these subjects (lumumba, nazi germany, JFK...) are relating in ways that make sense. oh man i love it when this happens, an escape from the confusion that usually plauges me.

and now a quote from JFK (from his inaugural address- what the fuck?)

"If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich."

and something else to think about,

"Who controls the past controls the future; who controls the present controls the past."
-George Orwell

dulcemayo @ 2004-04-23T18:46:00

2004-04-23T22:45:14Z

i see: my dad's very old fan in the window, katie's flowery shirt on me, my coconut mobil my nicaraguan host mother gave to me on my pipe, esther's feet coming from underneath her blanket

i taste: post nap bitterness in the back of my throught

i hear: sky holds the sun (a band of bees)

i smell: (very faintly) 3 day old coffee in my travel mug

i feel: warmth transftering from my laptop to my thighs, many, many pillows, slight ichiness (curtisy of mosquitos and the sun and that mysterious rash), pretty damn content!

(what are YOUR senses experiencing!?!?!)

dulcemayo @ 2004-03-28T03:21:00

2004-03-28T08:37:50Z

my head is clearer tonight. i cant believe it's taken me this long to begin to fully realize certain patterns, like how there isnt some scale which all people can be located on, ranking how much i should be friends with them, how old their souls are, or anything really. beauty depends on where and when they're placed.

i have been reading in the sunshine and real air, talking about biking to the beach, taping ticket stubs into my scrapbook,
waking up.

the stars, they fall around me, when i think of you

2004-03-24T05:40:17Z

There is snow falling,
but the stars are out!

well as usually i'm terribly indecisive

2004-03-19T05:42:30Z

i was just about to write my great aunt and i couldnt remember if her name had one or two r's, so i tried googling her, and this article came up as the third site:

"Marianne Maloney from Maine, wearing a muscle shirt and shorts, stood smiling beatifically beneath the Older Women's Tent. She had just won a contest sponsored by the China National Aging Committee, the host for the day. But the Chinese mistress of ceremonies explained that Marianne had to perform--sing a song, dance, recite a poem--in order to claim her prize. So Marianne began to sing. And to everyone's surprise it was a song in Chinese! Many Chinese in the audience of 200 began to stand; she was singing the Chinese National Anthem. Eventually Marianne received her prize, a handpainted handkerchief from Tientsin. "Oh, how wonderful!," she said, "I was born in Tientsin 79 years ago!"

Surprising connections like this--across cultures, distances, and time--kept happening to women during the next ten days at Forum '95, the independent non-governmental event held in conjunction with the Fourth World Conference for Women held in Beijing."

(she's such a beautiful person)

and so what the f, everything will be okay,
and my life is amazing

dulcemayo @ 2004-03-18T23:32:00

2004-03-19T04:56:13Z

i'm in one of those moods where it seems like if i had made different decisions in life, where to go to college especially, i would be happier. and i am pretty happy here most of the time, but what if what if what if. it would be easier if i believed in fate, maybe i will someday. and i'm afraid i'll regret where i decided to live next year. i wish that house worked out, a single with a cat! i'm afraid next year wont be as fun as, because people are leaving. and what if i dont really meet anyone new.

(pushed the window open wide, felt that emptiness inside)

i really shouldnt be complaining. because i really do have awesome friends. there are just so many people in this crazy world, and i dont feel like i've been doing my best to get to know them. and of course i shouldnt be thinking oh what if i did this or that, i should just change, now. but it can be so terrifying.

dulcemayo @ 2004-02-13T04:30:00

2004-02-13T09:06:30Z

i'm not tired anymore, because i've been reading about what's responsible for poverty and been getting angrier and sadder and confuseder with every subsection on "Imperialism" and "The Population Explotion" because it all seems to come from an increase of technology, EVERYTHING. and for one, why did this first come about? and for another,

i'm so conditioned by this world (mother culture!) that i have such a low attention span that i'd probably be bored if i lived in some gatherer-hunter society a million years ago. but of course, would i be more satisfied? it seems so, but its so hard to imagine my life without thinking about all this stuff that came about because of this evil technology (as i am writing in my "lj" about things i've been learning at "college," frantically checking my "buddy list" listening to someone elses music on "itunes" and wishing i had some "Ellio's frozen pizza.") that i dont know who "i" would be.

and then of course there's guilt because that the majority of animals (including people) on this planet dont get to have access these things and if IT keeps going on, neither will anyone. but what the hell am i really going to do about it today? do i care enough to make any real sacrifices? am i in the position to make any real sacrifices? is that an excuse? its like everyone and everything is sacrificing for me, so that i can be utterly confused and discontent. but at least i have crap to distract me!

ha, i dont think this is getting me anymore tired...

on a side note: when? will i find a boy who's at that point, at which i like him enough to not have to pretend that i like him more, or block out certain realities, AND that he can do the same for me. and then there are all these other issues, like that until i am content with myself, i will worry about impressing him. and i'll never really be content with myself, and so i'll always worry about impressing him, but this isnt a bad thing. (or something- i dont think i'll ever really be satisfied with what i type now)

its nice every once in a while to have a good conversation with someone you never talked to before, when things start seeming too cluttered to find any meaning in anything anymore. (i'm glad i talked to someone new tonight) :)

and a final side note- last night when i was sitting outside my dorm listening to sigur ros smoking a clove, this huuuge fleet! of crows suddenly flew from a tree and started flying around all the trees in the quad and i couldnt see them well, but there was cawing and flapping and somehow the sound of rain! and i've been wondering what i should think about it. like i have been doing. with. everything.